Ted’s Writings
This is a question and answer forum to help educate ourselves and others about emotional healing through grief. You may submit questions to: gwr@newmex.com
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HEALING BEGINS WITH AWARENESS
Dear Ted:
I have read your articles for many years and want to thank you for providing insight into the world of mental health healing. Lately I have begun to realize that I often engage in behaviors that are not in my best interest. Often, I snap at people and then wonder why people are not willing to be close to me. I mostly snap at people I am close to and beginning to feel comfortable with. What do you make of this lonely trap? Thank you, Growling Bear at the Zoo
Dear Bear,
Thank you for reading the articles and congratulations for having the bravery to look within and gift yourself with the difficult but worthwhile task of emotional healing. Becoming aware of negative behavior is the first step to changing behavioral patterns. Many behaviors (non-productive or productive) are actually survival skills that have appeared to work for you when you were young. Some behaviors are passed on by your childhood caregivers and role models and other behaviors serve as survival tools that you picked up on your own as you grew up. Behaviors are tools to navigate the world around you and stem from emotions that trigger the brain to react in a certain way. As you become aware of your emotions and brain triggers you develop awareness and take the time to respond deliberately rather than from pure impulse.
You may have learned early in life to protect yourself by “snapping’ at people in order to give yourself space and maintain a feeling of safety within your world. Many people learn that irritability, anger and unpredictability provide a sense of power and control because other people around them tend to “walk on eggshells” and exercise caution in order to avoid conflict. This environment can lead to a trap of false security and loneliness, which in turn can lead to a feeling of being left out or abandoned that often results in an even higher level of irritability and reactive snapping. This emotional trap often recycles itself over and over again. One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. So, think about it, if your “snapping” is not providing true safety and is actually leading to loneliness and abandonment, then continued “snapping” will not work in the future.
Becoming aware of this behavior and identifying the emotion before the reactive habit kicks in can lead to a different response and create the opportunity for a different outcome. Initially you may feel vulnerable because a more thoughtful reaction takes you out of the old comfort zone of your psyche. However, you will be amazed at the outcome as you learn new productive tools to navigate the world around you. I wish you well and commend your efforts to heal and grow within your personal life.
